Block: AA, Level: B, Room:C
Prince George’s Park
27 Prince George’s Park
Singapore 111111
February 3rd, 2010
Saipem Singapore Pte Ltd
73 Science Park Drive,
#01-03/22 Cintech I Building,
Singapore 118254
Dear Sir/Madam,
Trainee Engineer in Mechanical Engineering Field
I would like to apply as the trainee engineer in Saipen Singapore Pte Ltd. I am enclosing my resume in response to your advertisement which was posted at eJob center under NUS carrier services on January 5, 2010.
I am currently pursuing a Bachelor of Engineering with Honors in Mechanical Engineering, specializing in Offshore Oil and Gas Technology (OOGT) at the National University of Singapore. I hope that my interest in OOGT could contribute innovation and creativity in a conducive environment of Saipen. The company’s mission to tackle each challenge with safe, reliable and innovative solutions has motivated me to apply for the position.
My career objective is to pursue a position in a dynamically challenging environment with ample opportunities to learn and contribute to continued development of professional skills. This is in line with the challenges and core values which Saipen Singapore Pte Ltd in OOGT field embraces.
My administrative supportive skills are reflected through my extracurricular activities. I helped as a Myanmar facilitator during the operation of Project Nargis to systematically distribute donated stuff. I also involved in a Youth Expedition project, known as Project Pinnya Tazaung, to help develop service and learning skills in both Singapore and Myanmar communities. Lastly, I was one of the program heads who organized the Dharma Camp 2009 of NUSBS.
I strongly believe that my passion for OOGT, positive attitude, collaborative and self-management skills would help in Saipen Singapore Pte Ltd. I am willing not only to pursue continual development of technologies but also to improve more on interpersonal skills which would help achieve Saipen Singapore Pte Ltd’s organizational goals.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Yours sincerely,
Mr. Ye Thu Win
(+65)8xxxxxx
u07*****@nus.edu.sg
Wooden Paddle from Central Portugal
1 day ago
Hi Thu Win!
ReplyDeleteFirstly I felt that you should elaborate more on your skills, for example self-management and collaborative. Also, you mentioned a few projects that you were involved in but not how they helped you to develop as a person. I feel that it's important to not just lay out the details but to show how they helped you.
Also some grammar mistakes:
"I helped as a Myanmar facilitator during the operation of Project Nargis to systematically distribute donated stuff." should be "I helped out as a Myanmar facilitator during the operation of Project Nargis which helped to distribute donated stuff systematically."
"I also involved in a Youth Expedition project, known as Project Pinnya Tazaung, to help develop service and learning skills in both Singapore and Myanmar communities." should be "I was also involved in a Youth Expedition project, also known as Project Pinnya Tazaung, which helped to promote service(?) and develop learning skills in both the Singapore and Myanmar communities."
I feel that would be better. =)
Hi Thu Win!
ReplyDeleteA very minor correction here: "I am enclosing my resume in response to your advertisement which was posted at eJob center under NUS carrier services..." --> "...advertisement which was posted at eJob center under NUS Career Services..."
Oh and Thu Win, perhaps you may want to relate your qualifications to the position you are applying for. =)
I think that's all. Good luck.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHey Thu Win,
ReplyDeleteBear with me as I have quite a lot to say. I will be commenting on your letter paragraph by paragraph.
1)The two addresses and the date should be separated. I think that error probably occurred when you copied your letter into the blog. Maybe you should direct the letter to a specific department in the company. Probably the HR department.
2)For your title, you could start off with: Application for….
3)Paragraph 1: You could do without the first sentence. Instead, add the position to the second line. (Hope I make sense)
4)Paragraph 2: Do not say that you HOPE that you could contribute to the company. Instead, say that you believe that your passion/skills/interest would benefit the company in ---- ways.
The last sentence seems weird. Maybe you could go on to elaborate why the company’s mission has inspired you. If not it would seem like you are trying to show that you read up about them.
5)Paragraph 3: Instead of saying “my career objective is to pursue a position in a dynamically challenging environment with ample opportunities to learn and contribute to continued development of professional skills...”, maybe say that “my dream is to work in a dynamic and challenging environment which provides ample opportunities for learning and skills upgrading.” Starting the sentence with “my career objective” makes the letter feel ‘hard’ and ‘cold’. (Hope you understand what I am trying to say.)
As for the last line, you could say that “Since this coincides with the challenges and core values Saipen Singapore P/L embraces; it would be a privilege for me to work there.”
6)Paragraph 4: Elaborate how your extracurricular activities reflect your admin skills then link that back to the job. You merely listed the activities that you have done. Maybe try to identify other skills too.
Here are some other mistakes to note:
a)I helped as a Myanmar facilitator during the operation of project Nargis= I represented Myanmar as a facilitator OR I was a facilitator in
b)Donated stuff = donated items
c)“I helped as a Myanmar facilitator during the operation of Project Nargis to systematically distribute donated stuff” = “I represented Myanmar as a facilitator in project Nargis, a relief effort for…. , where I aided in the systematic distribution of donated items.”
d)“I also involved” = “ I was also involved”
e)“Youth Expedition project, known as …, to help” = “youth expedition project, project Pinnya Tazaung, to help”
f)Programme heads = directors
7)Paragraph 5: The last sentence should be rephrased or removed. I do not think you should mention the part on improving your interpersonal skills.
8)Maybe you should give your gmail address instead of the school’s email address. The gmail address is more professional.
Overall, you should try to highlight your skills and relate them to the job more clearly. You should be more careful with your language. Like I told Lin Hui, you could get someone else to review your work in future to help you with this.
Geraldine
Hi everyone,
ReplyDeleteThank you all for your valuable feedback. I still need to improve a lot to apply 7cs effectively to my application letter. I will incorporate your feedback in my next draft.
Geraldine: Thanks for your paragraph by paragraph comments. When you pointed out those, I realized those did not seem right but I did not know why some were wrong. I had to check vocabulary usage and grammar to try to figure out.
Thanks everyone!
Kellyn: What I mean by service and learning is that in YEP trip, you teach students and at the same time , you learn form them .It is like getting mutually benefit to both parties.
ReplyDeleteHello Thuwin!
ReplyDeleteI'm not too sure if there is a need to include the career objective in the application letter as it seems to make it too lengthy.
I feel that instead of focusing on the company's goals and mission you could write more on how your skills can help you to fulfil the requirements of the job.
That's just my 2 cents. (:
Glad I could help Thu Win!
ReplyDeleteHey Thu Win,
ReplyDeleteI realised that i made an error in 6e. It should be:
e)“Youth Expedition project, known as …, to help” = “youth expedition project,Pinnya Tazaung, to help”
It seems weird to repeat project twice. My bad.
Geraldine
Minh Lar-vah Thuwin!( haha, did i spell correctly in Burmamese?"
ReplyDeleteThe tone of your letter is appropriate and courteous but you probably stretch out a little more.
Overall, I guess you might want to consider highlighting your strengths or something unique about you in the letter.I guess one of the points you could emphasize on is how active you are in youth communittee volunteering work.You might want to mention about your contributions you have made to the society and identify the relevant skills that goes along with it.Try to write it in a very convincing and persuasive manner.Write your letter in such a way that your employer will be nodding his/her head in approval after reading your letter.
If you want to add some sparkle to your letter, you might want to talk about how passionate and enthusiastic you are.
Hope to see your next draft which signal people to "nod" their heads in unison.
Happy "nodding" away! Jia you!(add more oil!)
sorry sorry, I need to correct my first sentence here.
ReplyDelete"the tone of your letter is appropriate and courteous but you have to stretch out further than this."
tee-hee